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Emotionally detached

I just want you to know who I am

11/15/04 08:30 pm

I'm bored, nobody's been updating, I've been grounded. My life sucks. Thats all I wanted to say. I miss Alex, but Peter's really fun too. He's coming over to my house tomorrow night for bible study. Wooo hoo!! He makes bible class a whole heck of a lot more fun, I tell ya.

10/31/04 09:52 pm

It is Halloween. I am depressed. Again. Not so much oh-my-god-I-want-to-kill-myself depressed, more of a vague feeling of emptiness? More or less.

Got my bunny thongs today, it is somewhat disconcerting to think that so many people have seen it before me. Usually Pinky and I are the first (and only) people to see our thongs and stuff. I don't want to update, but feel obligated to? No, I just feel... whack. yeah. Whack.

No, its not cos I'm grounded, really, its not that big a deal. My parents seem to have forgotten about it, and I don't really care much about their rules. i'm old enough to know what's right and wrong, whether I apply that knowledge is a completely different matter. Basically, I live by my own rules, where I evade as many parental rules as I can. Doesn't work all the time, but parents are a great excuse. "sorry, I can't go out, my dad won't let me" when Daddy doesnt even know of the damn thing. Convenient things, dads. Of course, when my dad is tryting to be all parental, life basically sucks. But now, I'm living this charade with my parents, I'm waiting in dread for the whole thing to come crashing down on me. I know for a goddamn fact that one fine day, my parents are gonna walk in on Alex and I snogging, and that will be the end. But I can't -won't- stop. Funny how there is a analytical part of me that just stands back and says 'May Lee, this is wrong', and a plain stupid part of me that says 'I dont fucking care.'

I'm turning anorexic. I hate eating, fucking hate putting food in my damn mouth. Its like torture, chewing fat-filled morsels of dead animals and shit like that. Ick ick ick. Not eating makes me feel like I'm in control, even when I feel weak, I feel powerful. Exhilarated. Okay, I was exaggerating, I'm not anorexic. I had dinner and lunch. I feel sick now, had too much food... but hey, I'm in control. Not gonna be like those people who need to starve themselves in order to be 'beautiful'. I am in control of my eating habits. Wish I could say the same of my life. Waking up every morning is like putting another nail in my coffin. Hey, that sounded vaguely poetic. Putting it in my next poem. Wrote two sub standard ones that took me about five minutes each to clobber together, I'm pretty bored with writing. Starting a novel tomorrow, 50, 000 words by the end of November. Hope I can make it, job and all that shite to do as well.

My life is spinning out of control, but not. I dont understand it, either. LOL. A couple of months back, Pinky called me a hypocrite and I was all 'Hey, what the hell? I'm not a hypocrite. Puh-leeze.'. Now, guess what, Pinky? I am. i still am a big hypocrite. I read your post, I'm more of a hypocrite than you are. Way more. I think. How are you one? We should exchange stories one day.

What the fuck? This was supposed to be a short post, to express my general feelings of depressedness and thats it. Oh well. I just jabbered on, and there ya go. A looooong post, longest in a while. Gonna go sleep now, I'm tired. nite.

10/26/04 03:11 pm

Jon's party would've been really draggy, but for one thing (or person), Alex, of course. Pinky and I were just standing around and holding empty paper cups of some drink, and we were boooooored. But then, it picked up! Woo hoo! Leave it to your imagination as to what happened, but I have no more virgin tongue. And Pinky..... had fun, did you not, sweetie? LOL. *wink*

Swinging in the dark is soooooo FUN. Absolutely fan-fucking-tastic. If you go high enough and lean back and close your eyes, its like you're flying, then plummeting straight down to the ground. Especially if you come back up, and open your eyes, its completely disorientating. Com-plete-ly exhilarating.  I was at it for ages. Just going up and down. and screaming for the sheer joy of it. Okay, that sounds sorta like a double entendre, but hell, thats how it felt!

Alex and I were standing under a street lamp, doing.... *ahem* when I turned and saw two old ladies staring straight at us, whispering. That was so incredibly embarassing. It was a total blush moment and I totally fled the scene. *blushes furiously*

I refused to kiss him until he got rid of the smell of alcohol on his breath. We shared chewing gum. Jon's party was a success. I think Pinky would say so too.


10/21/04 06:03 pm

Alew was stung by a swarm of bees. I was all like 'Wha...?' when his cousin told me, I think he now thinks I'm either really stupid, or just extremely thick. Or deaf. Or both. The conversation went like this:

Me: Helooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

Cousin: Hello?

Me: Watcha doing?

Cousin: Har?

Me: Uh..... Alex?

Cousin: Um, this is his cousin. He's in the hospital.

Me: *embarassed* Um.. may I speak to Alex please?

Cousin: He's in the hospital.

Me: What??

Cousin: He. Is. In. The. Hospital.

Me: What?? Why??

Cousin: Hegotstungbyaswarmofbees.

Me: Huh??

Cousin: Hegotstungbyaswarmfobees.

Me: *flustered* I don't know what that is?

Cousin: Bees. You know bees??

Me: *really confused* ..... uh huh?

Cousin: He was stung. By-a-swarm-of-BEES.

Me: Whhhaaaaattttt? He was what???

Cousin: He was stung. By bees.

Me: Yes, yes, I know that now... uh...

Cousin: Who is this?

Me: Uh.... May Lee?

Cousin: Oohhhhhhhhhh!!!! Alex girlfriend arr?

Me: *mortified* What? No!! No no no no... heh heh.

Cousin: Then?? Who are you?

Me: Uh, I'm May Lee.

Cousin: Okaayyy... I'm his cousin. We're going to go to the hospital now. He's in U.H.

Me: What happened? Why was he stung by bees??

Cousin: No idea, we're going to visit him now.

Me: Uh, okay... buh bye.

Cousin: *thinks May Lee is one dumb broad* Okayyy. Bye.

*hangs up*

*Puts head in hands*

Thank the gods Alex was okay. He was still pervy, always a good sign. When Alex is pervy, all's right with the world. I'm gonna go call him now.

10/20/04 05:14 pm

Yesterday was great!! At first, I didnt really want to go to Colin's party... it was like, 'I don't know anybody there!! I'll be alone with Pinky only, it's gonna be boooooring!!' And at first, it kinda was... Pinky and I were sorta the only girls there, and we were standing around looking at the two HUGE ASS goddamn leonbergers that scared the shit out of me the first time I saw them. They were seriously BIGGG. Scary. Seriously. God.

Then it started getting fun! Pinky wont let me touch any alcohol, tho. *pout* She's my mommy. I did steal beer and stuff off Alex and Eu Jin... heh heh. I was eating people's sausages. It tasted pretty good, and I went on a bike for the first time in agesssss. It was fuunnn!! I sliced my toe open. Okay, I'm over-exaggerating, but there was a whole lotta blood, I hope it doesn't get infected. It hurts like the bloody blue blazes, I tell you. Oh, and I ripped my favourite pants! *sniffles miserably* but what really makes me saaad is the fact that my toe really really hurts. Awww.,.... Pinky.... you poor baby, you cut your foot too? Well, it must've been the banging into not one but two cars. Lol. It must've hurt like hell, I think we woke the whole of 18 up, not that they were sleeping anywayz. It was really fun!!

It was fun. yay! Eddy told me I had model legs. *snort* well, well. *snorts some more* He asked me today if I shave or wax, and Pinky and I just looked at each other and started laughing. God! It was absolutely fucking hilarious. Poor guy, he looked soooo blur.

Pinky banged my head against a van whilst trying to pounce on me. Ow. Haha... sorry I messed it up! My toe hurt!

Going to work tomorrow.... first day! Yay! But my toe really hurts. How now?? I don't want it to get, like, infected. it hurts like hell. I've been whining about it the whole day, I'm sorry!! Haha.

10/17/04 02:54 pm - In my unhumble opinion

IMUHO, updating is pretty much pointless. Who actually reads my journal? I dont. Do you? And the point of having a blog is to rant? and then what? And blab and blab and blab like I'm doing now, wasting my time and the time of the person reading it because I'm not exactly talking about anything really life-changing or even merely profound. No. I am babbling about my life. My very boring life. Where nothing really happens, and when it does, I'm too darned lazy to write it in my journal. Not that anything really happens anyway. And I'm feeling depressed right now, and the only reason why I'm typing this is because it soothes my emotions to hear the steady sound of the keyboard, plus it takes my mind of things.

Will not even go into detail about why I am pissed off.

Sometimes, its just so comfortable to stay stupid and ignorant about life in general, I suppose ignorance truly is bliss. Dont know why I just said that, I think I'm starting to type before I think.

Last night, I was sitting on a bench with my mom in Subang Parade and I saw this Malay cleaner pushing her... cart? of mops and pails and stuff in front of us. And I felt so incredibly sorry for her, that she was working at 8.30 at night, that she wont be done till 11 at least,and she would maybe ride a bicycle or take a train to her home where her kids would be sleeping, and she would let herself in and the hall would be dark,and dinner would be cold, and her husband would be snoring, dead to the world, or worse, abusive. And there are bills to pay and kids to feed, clothes to buy. And my mom was like 'we have problems too, why dont you think about your own parents and how you are so selfish at times, rather than dwell on some other persons problems?'

My dad quit his job, so right now he's basically jobless. He's starting a business soon, maybe january cos the holidays are going to start and he wont start his business until the hols are over cos we are going... god knows where. Hope its nice. I wanna go to Korea! Won Bin is so fucking hot.

I just read through this entry, and I sound like a confused, rambling freak.

10/2/04 10:39 pm

I am incredibly unhappy right now.... no idea why. There's an empty space inside me and its not getting filled up any. Any encounter with anybody just drains me more. *feels like empty dead wet rag*

Alex came over to my house just now, played playstation with my brother... he's getting along really well with my family. I hope. It was fun.... for him and my brother, I was on the computer while Alex tried to turn my brother against me. Ass. He succeeded too! *glares at brother*

Went to parade, ate ice cream with my mom and brother... walked around... got bored... came home... got bored.... am depressed. I feel like a failure... and a sad soul. Not really sad, just failure.


9/28/04 05:36 pm

Do I like Alex? he's screwing me up, even if no one knows it but me. I think about him like five hundred million times a day, from the moment I wake up to when I finally fall asleep. Not his fault there, I'm just a weird screwed up child. I live for when he calls me, so I can talk to him and laugh and get mad at him cos he, for some strange reason, thinks I like Nicholas. Odd. But whatever. The point is, I... like him? Is that weird? I still cant snog him though.

He has the best hands, so strong. God. And when he uses them on me... absolute heaven. Just... god. He was touching my butt during that night, my mooncake thingy. It was so good, I was wet through. I'm a horny cow.

I'm all weird and moody nowadays, and I'm losing weight. Wheee! I dont like the moody part, I love the losing weight part. Its about time my ass got a little bit smaller. =]


9/28/04 05:22 pm

To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.--Soft you now!
The fair Ophelia! Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remember'd.

9/24/04 08:35 am

What is with our obsession to be older than we really are? Its like, the worst thing you could ever say to me would be "you're such a kid." I would be totally crushed. Totally. But older poeple wanna be young. The worst thing you could say to them would be like "you're so old."

But older? Whats wrong with now? Old is sooooo booooring.... its like, you can't have fun. My definition of fun is running around screaming and acting kiddy. Most definitely opposed to sitting around looking glam and drinking from a straw so I dont ruin my lippie. I mean, that could be fun for some people, but how fun can it be just sitting there like a statue while people crowd around and offer half-hearted compliments and you receive them all with a Mona Lisa-type smile?

Okay, maybe not really acting kiddy, but hey, that's fun too, you know?

Okay, whatever. I'm sorta weird right now... I woke up at three thirty to study.


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